Mafia Gazette Past Issue 70
The Mafia Gazette Issue 70 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Thursday 29th December 'ALLIANCE LAUNCHED IN LOS ANGELES ' A new alliance was unveiled today in the streets attracting much attention from passers-by. Kiss_This, Capo of Los Angeles, announced the launch of the Los Angeles Alliance or LAA to a crowded gathering. The Alliance appears to be a public rebuttal to all those who question whether the Mades in our community are actually effective and act for the betterment of the community. Those in Los Angeles have banded together in an alliance that spans several families, with some reports stating it may be as many as six all joined, under one name and one goal. The first statement made was to the effect that Mugging, Wacking and Bank Robbing would be three activities that would be outlawed under the Alliance with anyone caught doing these crimes having to pay a harsh penalty. The fear voiced some that justice would be immediate was allayed with a statement saying that all cases would be investigated before justice was served. Los Angeles was declared to be an open city with an offer of help and assistance for any Street Boss who wished to set up in the city. Assistance with money-making and ranking were offered to any who wished to take advantage of the busiest city in the country. With more Mades per head than anywhere else it would appear that there is experience enough to go round tutoring those trying to gain rank. Many people applauded the initiative, with some questioning how the Alliance would cope in certain scenarios. Many different things were gone over, but the original statement was that anyone caught mugging or wacking in LA would be dealt with, even if they were members of the Alliance, although investigation would happen. One or two people seemed upset about the forming of the Alliance. MadDog, a Citizen appeared perturbed that members of his “Dog Pound” might be wacked for being in LA when he is, in fact, a resident of the city. He was reassured that this would only happen in the case of one of his “puppies” mugging or wacking in the city and all efforts would be made to ensure that it was not a retaliatory strike, commonly known as “Wackback.” The efforts of all concerned with the Alliance are to be applauded, as it should see safer streets and a reduction in crime in the city of Los Angeles. The whole country will watch with interest as the days pass to see if this will be an effective proposition and Mades in other cities may be taking note. We may yet see similar Alliances springing up all over the country as more Mades take control over the crime rates in their cities. 'GISMONDO HIT: THE FALL OUT ' By: Knox The announcement today of the formation of the LAA leaves many questions for those who currently stand on the Periphery. To enter into the honoured Society of the Mafia was always said to have its bonuses and responsibilities. The money young Sicilian Men could earn by entering into it’s ranks was significant, the power they could wield, formidable. For this reason, La Cosa Nostra Crime families do not take just anyone into their ranks. The Journey to becoming “Made” is perilous. It is said that at the very least it involves garnering a level of respect in the criminal Underworld that is unsurpassed. Perhaps it is for this reason that most recent Federal Estimates put the number of “Mades” at something around a dozen or more. Michael Antonowitcz of the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s recently assembled Organised Crime Unit, in an interview for the Gazette, stated: “The Bureau has never had a high Priority with the Mafia until recently. With over a dozen Mafia Families in the US, the highest concentration is undoubtedly in Los Angeles and the formation of the LAA is a reflection of that. The hard-working Public have become increasingly outraged at the actions of these killers and shutting them down has got to be our top priority. As a secret society, they flout the law, dealing in murder for money with their own rules as markers”. Antonowitcz refused to give any other comment to the Gazette, but it is well known that amongst the rules he referred to, was the age-old one that the Mafia has come to be known for. A member of the honoured society could not be killed without the go ahead from the rest of its members. The recent turmoil in the wake of the death of Priest-Hood Boss and Founder Paulo Gismondo has illustrated a clear breach of this rule and as such poses a challenge to the current membership to the Mafia that the community will watch with interest. Amid claim and Counter-Claim many accusations have been levelled. Boss Woota, amongst others, has been implicated in arming the assassins in the Gismondo Hit. Such an action has been described as tantamount to sanctioning the hit himself and with at least one other Member of the Mafia in disagreement over the murder and with inside sources noting that no sit-down was convened to discuss it before the fact, it was not legitimately sanctioned by the “Mades” of the US. That in mind, it is clear that Boss Woota has a tough few days ahead. He for his part denied any knowledge of the hit though a Street Address that was described by some as Sketchy at best. Boss Woota aside, the fate of the two assassins has been described as “sealed.” One Made Member the Gazette spoke to had this to say: “The fact is that those two guys aren’t made. No-one in Our Thing cares who their grandfather’s were. It means less than nothing to us. They are nothing. We have no objections to how a man earns a living. But let it be said: Whether a petty thug, Hoodlum or Street Boss, you are not in the Mafia and your grudges with us are worthless, no matter how old or legitimate. To hit a made man without sanction from Our Thing is a disgrace. The cost for such an action is the ultimate one a man can pay. They will be hunted and their blood-lines will forever burn in hell for what they have done. Their family name has become marked and they will serve as a lesson to others. You can be sure of that.” The Made then cut short the interview to attend a “sit-down” which the Gazette believes will sanction the deaths of these men and their families. In the wake of the Gismondo hit, his widow noted in an emotional address that the Priest-Hood family was to be retired. The community can only wait and see what will unfold 'A QUESTION OF TRUST ' By: Freelance I am not a man known for cleaning up trash, but recently I was approached to clean something up. I do not know if I was the only one and it was close to a deadline so I could not find evidence that others had been asked. But I ask you this now, how bad does it have to be, when a vocal RHM of a family approaches a complete stranger offering them a hit on one of their own family members. Now the exact details I did not ask, for they are not my business, the victim and contractor I do not know. But after looking into the death that ensued it became clear that the victim was no longer wanted in the family, for committing crimes that could bring dishonour to the family name. Also from the victim’s funeral service it is clear that the head of the family himself was involved in aiding the killing with an attack in jail. I as much as the next person know that crimes such as mugging are not accepted in our society, this is quite plain everyday. What has gotten me thinking is that I, a person unknown to either party, was offered the ability to “train my gun”. Now I was always under the impression that if one of us had trouble in our own house, we cleaned it ourselves, or if we are going to “outsource” the hit, then we get someone who would be known to us. Not some complete stranger who just happens to be walking along the streets, I know anonymity is a good thing. But after looking at the victim’s funeral it is clear that his former family do not want him back and to ask someone you don't know, purely because you can't travel. Well it leads to this, the contractor didn't know me and didn't know how I'd react. I could have been a friend of the victim and warned him, or even still I could have gone to his aid to defend him. But instead I write this article. A known family who is quite vocal on our streets, turning to complete strangers to clean up a mess that is theirs to deal with, I'm sorry but no matter the situation in my eye's things such as this should be dealt with in house and not broadcast to the public. 'OPENING OF SOCIAL SEASON ' By: Constanzia_Corleone The time of the social season will be upon us once again. Each country or area handles coming of age in many ways. The way I was raised, education, and trained a young lady wasn’t considered an adult until she was presented to society with a cotillion. The cotillions were always large grand events beginning with a tea so the young ladies are able to get to know one another. The next part of the cotillion is the presentation of each young lady into general society with lavish gowns, family jewels, and ushers to escort the young ladies. Following the presentation, a banquet is served with the seating plans made in such a way that many have an opportunity to meet each of the lovely young woman. As always, the first ball of the season is held that very evening giving the young gentlemen to have a moment or two to dance and possible speak to the ladies would have been presented to society. Now in explaining this, I am hoping there are many here in America who also prefers this type of an event to have their young people meet society and their peers. If there are any who wish to participate, I would be delighted to plan and sponsor the event February 14th. Please do notify me by known messengers so I know where to start with the plans. 'GUIDANCE, WISDOM AND TRAUMA ' By Miguel Every issue, I will answer as many questions I can, submitted by you, the reader. Please mobmail me with your question(s) as often as you’d like. By contributing to my column, you are contributing to the ever-growing popularity of this fine newspaper. Dear Miguel, Boxers or briefs? Always, Eden Lacroix Dear Eden, Why don’t you come over tonight around 11:00 and find out for yourself? Signed, Miguel ********** Miguel, I have a secret fetish for dressing up like Santa and making Tie Domi sit on my lap. I've tried to stop, but it's just too hard (ahem). What should I do? Randle P McAnonymous Dear Ran…I mean Mr Anonymous, For starters, get him to put some clothes on…I can’t imagine seeing him in his birthday suit helps alleviate your ever growing problem. Signed, Miguel ********** Dear Miggypie, I don't have a date for New Year's Eve. Is it acceptable for a gal to go out on the town by herself? Satine Dear, dear Satine, Although acceptable, in your case it seems illogical. So much so that I’m going to answer your question with a question: Would you like to be my date on New Year’s Eve? Signed, Miguel 'DAHL HOUSE…ONE DOLL’S POINT OF VIEW ' A Commentary by BarbieDahl So you want to bitch about the street cleaners? I do enjoy my job as a street cleaner, since it forces me to keep up on current events, when I might get lazy otherwise. However, I do NOT get paid for it, nor do I enjoy the whining I have to listen to because of it. To all of you people that see so much “crap” in the streets…thank you soooo much for sending a letter to tell us about it. And yes, that was sarcasm for those of you too stupid to recognize it. Very few people have come to me to ask why there flyer is missing…none have ever pointed me in the direction of something needing deletion. Go figure. To say that all of the “crap” in the streets belongs to either the street cleaners and/or their friends is ludicrous. Not all the street cleaners talk in public, and we sure as HELL don’t all have the same friends. And yes, a few even have some good flyers out there (one street cleaners has the most popular conversation in recent history under her belt). And now we have a “conflict of interest” conspiracy to keep the conversation alive. I have no idea who’s interests we are conflicting with…or maybe it’s just another plan to plot a ploy. Your guess is as good as mine, maybe even better. How many flyers do we need on the same subject? How many times must you rehash the same tired conversation? My final thought…if you don’t want your flyer deleted…stop posting “crap” 'GAZETTE COMPETITION ' Following on from a generous donation to the newspaper, we would like to offer a prize of $100,000 to the winner of our latest contest. All you have to do is describe in 600 words or less what your family means to you. Please spell-check and grammar-check your entire submission, as these will be critical for the top places. Marks will be awarded for eloquence, style, and content (i.e. the story). Once you have written your story, please send it to CarmelaDeAngelis to be sent out to the judges of the competition for marking. Entries should be in no later than the 30th of December and the winners will be announced on New Year’s Day. 'DEAR VANITY ' Hey Buddy! Yes, I’m talking to you. Have you ever found yourself in a situation with your boss that you didn’t know how to handle? Have you ever stumbled across something so shocking you didn’t know what to do with it? Are you looking for new ways to approach that “special someone” you’ve been admiring from afar? Now there’s a solution.! Introducing DEAR VANITY The Mafia Gazette proudly presents personal advice from society hostess Vanity Flair. Anyone needing guidance can send their questions via MobMail to Vanity or directly to Vanity@mafia org. Confidentiality assured on items of personal nature. 'LETTERS PAGE ' In response to your article in the Gazette: My father StevenDrake started the Soup Kitchen. Unless there is another one out there that I am unaware of. I'm not a glory hound, so the typo does not really bother me. It is kind of unnerving seeing how StandardIssue was responsible for the deaths of multiple family members of mine. I wish to keep my name anonymous due to rumours and false accusations toward my father. Thank you for your time. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Dear Carmela, Well I wish you a merry Christmas, etc, etc, etc. Hope you have plenty of rum balls and Eggnog that’s for sure. Now I'm not sure about you but when it comes to the holidays I think three things. First, what crappy presents am I going to have to return on the 26th? Secondly, Where’s the booze. And thirdly, Why does my family have to act like this, and if I’m adopted. Now each year we get together with our families, exchange crappy gifts and then get drunk and say a lot of things we probably shouldn't. Then when the children have fallen asleep on their parents laps, we all head home and the parents stay up all night helping "Santa". Then around 5 am they drag their tired, now sober selves upstairs only to be awoken by the time their head hits the pillow. Now, how do you deal with this? The obvious answer is become Jewish, but then there’s 7 or 8 days of socks and school supplies, Just what every kid longs for. So instead of ranting my usual rant, I have combined a list of things Parents, Kids and mere obscure relatives can do to handle this season a little better. -Get drunk: Nothing makes people more fun than gallons of booze! Vodka, Rum, beer, wine! So many choices, and all in your local alcohol department at the store! So guzzle down, because Grandma's telling your date another story about you wetting your pants. -Don’t Go: Tell your parents your at your significant others parents house, and have the significant other tell her parents the same thing...Then stay home and get your freak on. -Escape: Text message a friend and tell them to call your cell phone. When they do so, pretend they are in need of assistance with a flat tire or something. Your family will think you're a dear for leaving the festivities. Then get your friend, and get drunk. -Have fun: Get all the elders naughty presents, and all the young kids drug related objects. The look on their faces will be priceless so don’t forget a camera. -Liven it up: Ever see Granny do a keg stand? Well now’s your chance! Order one for the whole family...Just don’t forget the beer bong! -Go Naked: Jesus’ birthday is a cause to celebrate. So ditch the clothes, and wear your birthday suit to express your love for him! When the pastor gives you a strange look just say, WDJD? (What did Jesus do?) And take the communion and run. Fast. -Fun and Games: Eating contests with Rum balls or xmas cookies. See how many people you can get in the bathroom. Snow ball fights, or just lock someone out of the house. Just remember to blame it all on the youngest. That’s what they are there for anyway, right? -Grin and bear it: Sure they drive you batty, but they are your family, and you only see them a few times a year. Besides isn't it open bar? Last year Nana took her top off and started table dancing...Or was that Auntie sue? They all look the same when you're high as a kite. Anyway, those are my helpful holiday tips. Take them, use them, pass them on. Till next time Have a great Christmas, or whatever it is you have to endure with your family and a fan-fucking-Tastic New years. And don't worry...The next time you have to see them is Thanksgiving. And that’s at least 250 days away. Love Always, Cooter J. Poo 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Dear Carmela, In your last paper you thanked people..Well now it's my turn to thank you. In the last couple of months you have put up with my antics, my smart ass remarks and my idiotcy in the streets. And regardless of how badly I screwed up you'd welcome me back which says something about you. You let me have an outlet for my anger, a place to vent about the stupidty in this world, a place to make people laugh and say they they were to scared to say in the first place. Above all else, you have been my friend first, my "Boss" second. (Such a strong word considering I have yet to be paid ;D) You continue to bring people the news, even when there hardly is any. You have a basicly thankless job, and yet continue to do it. So thank you, Because with out you.. There'd be no paper. Cooter J. Poo 'WE HEAR THAT… ' Gossip column by: Trixie ...Charlie was recently seen skipping along the street with an old Canadian man singing "I've got a golden ticket" All I have to say is, I hope they aren’t related... ...Uncle_Fester was seen in Trevor's Bar along with Hammer conversing with a turnip. Not just conversing, oh no no no. Hitting on it. First we though Trevor and the chair was bad, then Miguel and goats.. But a turnip? Have you no shame? ...The Knights of the round table are really good dancers. Singers too! ...But I like the Knights who say Ni! and Tookie tookie! Better. 'ANNOUNCEMENTS ' WEDDING December 28th Bite-it and AGhost1yApparition tied the knot. The wedding was simple, and yet elegant. malvagita_morte was the pastor and Dave_Courtney gave the bride away. The reception afterwards was wild and crazy much like all mafia weddings. We here at the Gazette offer the couple a lifetime of happiness and love. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Hideaway Hotel, Restaurant, and Bar Managed by: HeavyweightHammer “Where discerning ladies and gentlemen enjoy a private and tranquil atmosphere during their stay in Los Angeles.” Suites from $1,699.00 a night Basic Rooms from $199.00 a night Elegant fine dining restaurant Fully-licensed bar specialising in sophisticated tastes Fully-serviced executive meeting rooms available for distinguished customers, priced upon request. http://www.mafia.org/m2/comm-readpost.php?bar&id=18815 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) The *Clown Bookies* Are now open! Where taking bets for football matches in the premiership, We are only taking in: Home Win, Draw, Away win Final Score and First Goalscorer Any amount up to 100k Please MM me (Happy_Clownz) for odds and information, for upcoming matches. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Are you having trouble expressing the way you think you feel at certain times? Have you been troubled by thinking of ways to explain yourself to everyone, and not get the satisfaction you deserve? Well you have come to the right place. The Great City of Las Vegas has given me the rights to open up a bar/cafe called 'The Underground'. Whether you have something to say or feel, Do so at the underground. It's a place to read poetry, have a few drinks, and relax the extra moments in your life away. Stop By whenever you feel like telling the world how YOU feel. See you there *winks* ~L.o.T.W~ 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) *WEDDING PLANNER AVAILABLE* Need help planning that once in a lifetime event, your wedding??? I'm a professional wedding planner. I even have the bars in Miami, Atlanta, or New York to have your reception. We design everyone's dresses, do the floral arrangements, and the reception banquet. Even the invitation for the streets. Contact Rayne for an appointment.... 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '